


i should go (before i lose my sense of reason)

by FaileGaidin



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bisexuality, First Kiss, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-08-25 19:21:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16666750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaileGaidin/pseuds/FaileGaidin
Summary: When Buck finds out about Eddie's bisexuality, and how long it's been since he had a date, he decides to take him out, to help him get his feet wet in the dating pool again.





	1. Chapter 1

Eddie’s suspicions were already piqued when he pulled into his driveway and there were two cars there. He immediately recognized both of them, but Carla’s had been the only one he’d been expecting to see. He couldn’t fathom why Maddie might be there as well. 

He checked his phone before getting out of the truck, but no one had called or sent him any messages. Pulling up Buck’s number, he shot off a quick text.

Did we have plans tonight? Maddie’s car in my driveway.

He waited for a couple of minutes, but no message came back, which made Eddie frown. Buck was pretty obsessed with checking his messages, and Eddie normally didn’t have to wait more than a minute for an answer on any given day. Shaking his head, he pocketed the phone and got out of the truck.

The front door was unlocked, and he was treated to the sight and sound of Christopher, Maddie, and Carla laughing in the kitchen. All three turned to greet him with a smile, and Christopher was immediately moving to get out of his chair and cross the space between them.

“Daddy!”

Eddie’s own smile was automatic as he dropped his bag and scooped his son up into his arms.

“Hey, buddy,” he said warmly as he squeezed him. “What’s going on here?”

The question was really aimed at the two women smiling at him, and they knew it. 

“You have plans tonight,” Maddie told him. 

“I do?”

Carla nodded. “You do indeed, handsome. So why don’t you scoot yourself into the bedroom and put on something a little nicer?”

Eddie’s eyes narrowed. “Please tell me that you didn’t set me up on a blind date.”

Maddie held up three fingers in a promise. “We absolutely did not set you up on a blind date.”

“But I have plans?” he asked, still trying to read the two of them and figure them out.

“You do.”

“And I need to dress nicely?”

“Much nicer than that,” Carla agreed, gesturing at his current outfit.

He still didn’t know what was going on. “I don’t like surprises.”

Christopher’s grin widened as he patted his father’s face. “Trust us, Daddy.”

“Oh great. And now you’ve got my son conspiring with you.”

Carla walked over and reached for Christopher, who willingly climbed into her arms. It warmed his heart to see the way his son had become so comfortable with this new LA family. He had always been a trusting kid, but Eddie felt like they had found the perfect home here, and it was comforting to see more evidence of that. 

“You know the three of us only have your best interests at heart,” Carla said, pulling him back out of his thoughts. “So go on and get dressed. You don’t have long. A little cologne might do you some good, too. Just don’t overdo it.”

He opened a mouth to protest, but she was already shooing him away. Waving a hand at them, he decided it was just easier to give in. Maddie had promised that they hadn’t set him up on a blind date, but he wasn’t so sure, especially once he walked into his bedroom. His nicest black shirt was lying out on the bed, next to his good slacks and a red tie. Those were definitely date clothes. He stopped and stared at them for a few moments, hands on his hips as he tried to think of a way to get out of this. He didn’t want to date. He didn’t want to meet new people and go through the song and dance of getting them used to the demands of his job. He didn’t want to risk introducing them to Christopher just to have them run away later and leave a sad little boy in their wake. They were fine by themselves. They didn’t need anyone new. 

He turned to walk back out into the kitchen to tell them just that, but then he stopped. He could have said all those things when he joined Cap’s team all those months ago. He could have closed himself off and refused to let them know about Christopher. They could have stayed isolated. And if they had done that, he would have robbed them both of some of the best people he’d ever met. 

Eddie sighed, clenching his fists. He could get through one date. If it was a disaster - and there was a good chance it might be, since he wasn’t even sure he remembered how to date - maybe it would keep them from trying to set him up again for a good long while.

And so he got dressed. He tied his tie carefully, making sure that it rested perfectly against his shirt. He rolled the sleeves of his shirt up until they stopped just below his elbows, because it was LA and it was hot. He brushed his teeth and ran a comb through his hair before dabbing on just a hint of his favorite cologne. Carla was right - you had to make sure not to overdo it. 

By the time he stepped back out into the kitchen, he was an unexpected mixture of nerves and hope and dismay, and he sent up a quick prayer that he wouldn’t throw up. 

Carla and Maddie both looked him up and down critically. Eddie fought the urge to fidget, feeling as though he’d somehow time-traveled back to 8th grade.

“Damn,” Maddie finally said, nodding at him.

Carla was nodding, too. “You clean up real good, Eddie.”

He opened his mouth to respond, but then there was a knock on the door. Eddie looked at the door and then looked at them. 

“You made my date pick me up?” he asked incredulously.

Maddie rolled her eyes. “Just open the door.”

Eddie glared at her, but walked toward the door anyway. He didn’t take his eyes off of her until his hand was already turning the knob, but all memory of their conversation died as soon the door was open and he saw the person standing on his front step.

Buck.

Buck dressed nicely, just like him.

Buck holding _flowers_ and smiling at him.

All of the air sucked out of his lungs, Eddie just stared. 

_Shit._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter, but you'll probably get chapter 3 later tonight.

Eddie didn’t regain his voice until they were in the truck and backing out of the driveway. Getting out of the house had been a blur, and the only solid thing he remembered was Buck’s smile, warm and genuine as he ushered him out the front door.

“So are you gonna tell me what’s going on here?” Eddie finally asked, unconsciously smoothing down his tie. 

He saw the moment Buck froze, and he could tell by the other man’s half-shrug that he was nervous and desperately trying not to show it. Eddie didn’t want to admit it, but it warmed him that he knew Buck well enough to know all that. 

“I just…I couldn’t stop thinking about what you told me last week,” he explained.

Eddie’s eyes narrowed in confusion as he thought back, and then his heart sank a little as he forced his expression not to falter.

“The bisexual thing?” he asked quietly. “Buck, please tell me you’re not taking me out on a pity date.”

“No!” Buck’s eyes were wide as he looked over at Eddie quickly before focusing back on the road. “I swear, man, that’s not what this is.”

“Okay,” Eddie said cautiously, dragging the word out. “So what is it then?”

Buck shrugged again. “I get why you usually don’t date.” He glanced at Eddie. “I really do. But you’re too amazing to close yourself off like that.” He hesitated, changing his grip around on the steering wheel a couple of times. “I know you like men _and_ women, but when we talked last week, it sounded like you preferred guys and just didn’t get a chance to date them, especially since Chris was born. And I just…I wanted to help you get your feet wet again. You know…help you build your confidence? So I thought I’d take you out and help you feel comfortable again. I’m sorry, it sounds stupid now that I’m saying it to you.”

Eddie kept a soft smile on his face even as he died a little bit inside. Buck’s heart had been in the right place. 

He just had no idea how Eddie felt about him.

Fighting down his disappointment that it wasn’t a real date, Eddie clapped his friend on the shoulder.

“It’s not stupid, Buck,” he assured him. “It’s really sweet.” He squeezed Buck’s shoulder. “So where are you taking me, anyway?” he asked with a grin.

He felt Buck relax under his touch as the smile came back to his friend’s face.

“It’s a surprise,” he said.

Eddie didn’t mentioned that he hated surprises.


	3. Chapter 3

Eddie found himself _very_ surprised when they arrived at the Side Door. It was a jazz club he had been meaning to visit ever since moving to L.A., but hadn’t gotten the chance to. He didn’t think he’d ever mentioned jazz with more than passing comment, but apparently Buck had been listening.

Eddie sternly reminded himself that he wasn’t allowed to read into that.

Buck walked him into the club with a hand on his lower back, but once they were inside, that dropped away. Eddie tried not to mourn the loss, but he was jolted out of his efforts when Buck gently took a hold of his hand and interlaced their fingers. Eddie thought he was going to pass out when all of the air punched out of his lungs, but he forced himself to focus on how the contact felt; he wasn’t ever going to get to enjoy this again.

They followed the hostess through the dark club to their table, and Buck slid his hand free so that he could pull Eddie’s chair out for him. It may have been a long time since he had been on a date, but Eddie didn’t think he’d ever been treated so well - at least not on a first date.

Once the hostess left them alone with their menus, Buck gave him a nervous smile.

“So?” he asked.

Eddie looked around and shook his head, laughing softly. “This is…Buck, this great. Nicer than any other first date I’ve ever been on, that’s for sure.” He glanced down at the menu and winced. “You have to let me split the bill with you, though.”

“No way,” Buck said firmly. “This is my treat. A date, remember?”

“I can’t let you spend this much on a fake date.”

Buck waved a hand at him. “Stop that. From here on out this is a real date, okay?”

“Okay,” Eddie said softly.

Buck didn’t seem to notice his tone, and Eddie took a long drink of water to help him swallow down everything he was feeling. He didn’t know when exactly his feelings for Buck had moved past friendship, but he did remember the day that it hit him like a ton of bricks.

He had been sweeping, of all things. The kitchen was messier than usual, having fallen victim to a popcorn fight that he and Buck had gotten into the night before. He had just gotten everything into a pile, shaking his head as he replayed the time with Buck, and then it was like a freight train had slammed into his heart. His pulse quickened and his chest constricted, forcing Eddie to sink down into a chair as his brain helpfully announced to him that he was, in fact, in love with one Evan Buckley.

He hadn’t done anything about it, of course. What exactly was he supposed to do? Buck might have finally been over Abby, but he was straight. He was straight and single and hot and he could barely get through a call without being hit on. 

Eddie had just shook his head and got back to sweeping as he fought desperately not to drown in the realization that he was completely in love with his straight best friend.

And now that same straight best friend was sitting across from him, treating him to the most unexpected and wonderful date, which also happened to be fake. Eddie knuckled at his chest, reminding himself to breathe.

The motion didn’t go unnoticed, and Buck frowned in concern. “You okay?”

Eddie smiled and nodded, mentally berating himself for the slip-up. “I’m great,” he said.

Buck watched him for a moment and then, seemingly satisfied, carried on with their date.

And it really was a fantastic date. The music and food were well worth the money, and the ambiance of the club seemed to make the rest of the world fade away until it was just the two of them. Conversation with Buck was easy and comfortable, and if Eddie’s heart tightened every time the other man let his gaze linger a moment longer than usual, well, he could just keep that to himself. 

Before he knew it, they were pulling into his driveway and the date was coming to an end. But when Buck turned off the engine, he made no immediate move to get out. 

“I had a really great time,” he said, glancing over.

Eddie laughed. “So did I, Buck. You know, I’m not usually a fan of surprises, but this…this was definitely worth it.” Bracing himself emotionally, he reached over and squeezed Buck’s hand. “Thank you,” he said earnestly. “Seriously, man. I really needed this.”

“Did it help at all?” Buck asked, his voice anxious.

Eddie tilted his head from side to side. “I’m not sure I’m ready to jump back in,” he said, figuring it was close enough to the truth. “But you definitely reminded me how much fun dating could be.”

Buck reached over and gave the back of Eddie’s neck an encouraging squeeze. “That’s progress. I’ll take it.”

He got out of the truck then and Eddie did the same, the two of them slowly making their way to the front door.

“So is that what Evan Buckley is usually like out on a date?” Eddie asked, unable to help himself.

Buck nodded. “When it’s a real date and I really like the person, yeah. Of course, that doesn’t happen much, “ he admitted.

Eddie nodded in understanding and then stopped, turning to face his friend. Buck stopped as well, confusion in his eyes.

“So, if this is a date, what are the Evan Buckley end of night moves?” he asked.The logical part of his brain was pitching a fit right now, telling him to shut the hell up, but Eddie figured he was already on this downward slope. He might as well see where it landed him.

“Oh, no, no, no,” Buck laughed. 

“What?” Eddie asked. “C’mon, man. Show me what you got.”

Buck ran a hand down the lower half of his face, still huffing out a laugh. “Seriously?”

Eddie shrugged. “I mean, if you’re too scared…”

“Hey, hey, hey. Enough of that.” He paused, and Eddie could see a faint blush dancing up and across his cheeks. “Alright, man. It’s the end of the night, right? And I’ve been a perfect gentleman up until this point, and -”

Eddie scoffed. “A perfect gentleman?”

“Hey, tell me I wasn’t.”

Eddie held up a hand. “You’re right. You were a perfect gentleman.”

“Thank you. So, I’m dropping you off, and I’ve told you that I had a great time, and that I’m gonna call you tomorrow, and you’re not sure if you believe that. So you say goodnight and you turn to walk inside.” He gestured. “Go on.”

Eddie laughed. “Okay.”

They weren’t at the front door yet, but Eddie turned and pretended that he was going to head inside. Before he’d gotten more than three steps, there was a hand tugging him back and spinning him around. He had half a second to register that Buck was _incredibly_ close, and then the other man was cradling his face in his hands and kissing him. It was soft - softer than Eddie had ever been kissed in his life - but there was so much warmth and promise in it that it had Eddie clutching at Buck’s torso, his fingers tangling deeply in the fabric of his dress shirt. 

“Damn,” he whispered once Buck had pulled away. “Damn.”

Buck chuckled, his hands still on Eddie’s face. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“Hell yeah,” Eddie breathed.

As though he suddenly realized that they were still touching, Buck pulled his hands back and slid them into his pockets, putting a little bit of space between them again. “So, uh…what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Oh come on, man. You can’t tell me you don’t have any end of night moves.”

That logical voice started yelling again, but Eddie just willfully ignored it. “C’mon,” he said, gesturing toward the front step with a tilt of his head, “this works better at the door.”

It seemed to take forever and yet just a second for them to be standing on the front step in front of the closed door. It was late enough that Eddie knew Christopher was already in bed, but he could hear Carla and Maddie inside, laughing and talking. He imagined that the two of them were in the kitchen sharing a bottle of wine and stories that their loved ones would probably prefer that they were keeping to themselves. The image made him smile, and Buck smiled back.

“Well?” he challenged.

Eddie thought that maybe he should say something, but, maybe unsurprisingly, words failed him. Instead, he decided to just make his move and to enjoy every second of it while he could. So he stepped forward one step, and then another, and then he was in Buck’s personal space, crowding him up against the door and breathing him in. He felt more than heard Buck’s sharp intake of breath and then they were kissing, lips sliding against each other in a kiss that threatened to drown them both. Eddie tugged on Buck’s lower lip and then took full advantage of Buck’s gasp by sliding his tongue into his mouth. The sensation was almost enough to knock Eddie to his knees, but instead he leaned into Buck a little bit more, his hands once against clutching at his shirt. 

And then Buck’s tongue moved against his with purpose, and Eddie thought he had died and gone to heaven. 

He could have stayed there forever. As he was contemplating dragging Buck inside and having his way with him, though, Carla and Maddie let out a particularly loud laugh that broke through the moment. It forced him to pull back, though Eddie almost dove right back in when he heard the small sound Buck made in the back of his throat. He forced himself to take a deep breath instead, pushing himself far enough away that he was breathing in his own air instead of Buck’s.

“Damn,” Buck whispered, echoing Eddie’s earlier sentiment. “Trust me, man…you get back in the dating game, and you can get anybody you want to get. Seriously.”

Eddie smiled at him, and it might have been a little sad, but he squeezed Buck’s arm and made sure to keep it out of his voice.

“Thanks, Buck. I mean it.”

“Anytime.”

Eddie nodded, taking one last breath before leading Buck into the house.

*****************

As they walked out to their cars, Carla gave Maddie a pointed look. “Do they really think we don’t know what was happening out here?”

Maddie shrugged. “They’re boys, Carla. They probably forgot we even existed.” She reached out and the two of them bumped fists. “Pleasure working with you, my friend.”

Carla grinned. “Anytime.”


	4. Chapter 4

Eddie couldn’t help but smile as he popped the chicken in the oven and then grabbed a towel to wipe his hands. Even as the sun set outside, the house was warm and full of light. He could hear Christopher playing with his extensive dinosaur set - a gift from Uncle Buck, given with a childlike glee that had warmed Eddie’s heart - in his bedroom. And Buck was leaning back against the counter, telling story about Hen and Chim that he’d probably heard half a dozen times before. The sound of Buck’s laughter wrapped around him like a warm blanket, and Eddie would listen to the story a thousand times over for that feeling.

It had been almost two months since their “date,” and neither of them had spoken about it. Eddie had thought it plenty, though. It turned out that knowing what it felt like to kiss Buck was one of the most agonizing and wonderful ways to be tortured. When Eddie closed his eyes, he could remember everything - the friction as Buck’s lips dragged across his own; the way Buck’s shirt bunched together in his hands; the light cologne Buck had been wearing; the way Buck’s tongue felt moving against his own…

Eddie had to yank himself back from that memory for the third time since Buck had gotten there. Sometimes, the desire to kiss his friend would hit him so hard his knees almost buckled with the effort of restraining himself.

Basically, Eddie was a freaking mess.

“I, uh…I had a date the other night.”

For just a second, Eddie couldn’t breathe. It felt like humongous jaws were slowly crushing his chest, and his skin grew hot as his stomach lurched. Thanking God that he had his back to his friend, Eddie forced everything back under the surface, took a couple of deep breaths, and then turned to face Buck.

“Oh yeah?” he asked, smiling despite the fact that his heart was breaking. “How’d it go?”

Buck made a face, tilting his head back and forth a few times before giving him a one-shoulder shrug. “Eh.”

“Eh?” Eddie repeated, not sure that he had heard right.

“Yeah. I mean, she was nice and everything. Smokin’ hot,” he said with a grin. It slowly faded away as he continued, though. “I don’t know. It just…”

When he didn’t continue, Eddie leaned back against the counter, mirroring Buck’s pose. “It just what, Buck?” he asked quietly.

Buck shrugged again. Eddie had known him long enough to know that it meant Buck knew what he wanted to say - he just wanted sure how it was going to be received. For all of his confidence, Buck worried about the feelings and opinions of the people he loved. And he was terrified that he might do or say something that would make them leave him.

“I kissed her,” Buck said quietly, his eyes locked on the floor. Eddie struggled to keep his expression as supportive as possible, even as he died inside. “I kissed her and it just…it wasn’t anything. I thought maybe it was just her, you know? Maybe there wasn’t anything between us. So I went out the next night and the next one…and it didn’t matter who I kissed…I felt nothing. It was like everything inside of me had turned cold and empty. And I’ve _never_ felt that way before, man. Never.” He paused, his eyes finally rising to meet Eddie’s. “The last kiss where I felt anything…was you.”

Those last words came out in something closer to a whisper, but they echoed inside of Eddie’s head at full volume. He didn’t remember telling his feet to move, but he was crossing the kitchen, heart in his throat, stomach in knots, and then his hands were on Buck’s face and he was pulling him down until he could press their mouths together. 

It was awkward at first, without any of the easy finesse of their first two kisses. But then Buck overcame his shock and he sank into it, a surprising amount of muscle memory taking over. His arms wrapped around Eddie’s torso and he pulled him closer until there was no space between them. One of Eddie’s hands slid up into Buck’s short hair as the kiss deepened, their tongues sliding against each other. 

For Eddie, it was even more amazing than the night of their fake date. His skin seemed to crackle as though electricity danced across it, and he let out a quiet moan as a shiver slithered up his spine. He could feel Buck’s hands bunching in the fabric of his shirt and he prayed that they would stray underneath the fabric, just so that he could know what that would feel like. The hand in Buck’s hair slid down until it cradled his head, his thumb brushing playfully against Buck’s ear. The sensation pulled an equally tantalizing shiver out of Buck, and Eddie pulled back to get a quick breath before diving back in. 

And then Eddie heard the only sound in the world that could have made him stop kissing Buck in that moment. 

“Daddy?”

They had just put space between them again when Christopher reached the kitchen doorway. Eddie felt as much as he heard Buck’s shaky intake of breath even as he fought to keep his own mind from swimming. 

“Yeah, bud?” he asked, putting on a big smile. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Buck do the same. 

“Can we watch a movie?” Christopher asked.

“Of course we can,” he answered without hesitation. 

“And can Uncle Buck stay?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Buck replied, his voice and his smile warm. 

“Okay!” Christopher said, turning to head for the living room. “Come help me pick one!”

“You got it, little man.”

Eddie watched them head out of the room, and it made his heart swoon in a painfully bittersweet way. He had to keep reminding himself that his friend was straight and that Buck was just going through a dry spell. That these kisses would pass and Eddie would just be left alone with a broken heart. A voice in his head wondered how he could have been so stupid to have let things get this far. 

His son’s voice once again broke through. “You coming, Daddy?”

Eddie did his best to shake away his dark thoughts and took a deep breath before heading out into the other room.


End file.
